My Mum died on 19th November 2020.
Anyone’s death is a shock, but a close family member is a big one. Mum died due to cancer, something families know all too well and we believe ultimately linked to years of smoking, though stopping after her stroke in July 2015.
Here in the UK, unless you’ve been involved in the passing of someone close, it is difficult to know what happens after someone dies. Even my Dad, who is an ex-police officer, only knew in general terms what happens and how.
We faced a lot of challenges in the last few months of Mum’s life and the inability to discuss death, being prepared for it, and most importantly what happens when a death occurs were all unknowns. We’ve learned a lot and I want to share some of the key items with whoever wishes to know. Note that the details below are for the United Kingdom and especially for England. Other provinces or countries will have different rules, though I am certain many concepts will match.
I also close with some deeply personal thoughts and hope that they resonate and make whoever reads this consider how they would prepare and celebrate their loved one when they go.
Top three considerations
Make a will.
A will can handle and resolves so much of what can be the most painful aspect of dying – the estate. This can include point 2, covering the funeral costs, though check with the financial institutions for the deceased who might offer options to help cover funds. Remember that the estate might be taxable, but if you plan ahead, even that can be made more manageable – and with the right advice perhaps you can even remove that tax burden entirely? The will also reduces issues around confirming your role to key organisations. Otherwise you’ll need to identify who will handle and if not the “most entitled person”, they will have to nominate and assign up to two attorneys – check the UK.GOV site for details.
Make sure you have a funeral fund or monies to cover the costs
Funerals costs are split into two elements, the key one being disbursements, which are what you will have to pay ahead of the funeral and that might come ahead of the estate settlement, so be prepared. It can be a few thousand pounds, depending on what you decide. Remember also that we might still have some restrictions on attendees, even with the vaccines.
Use the UK.GOV site
The site has links ab out Powers of Attorney, what to do in the event of a death, and much more. We’ve found the site to be essential to address Mum’s passing.
Other hints and tips
Before death
Access
This one’s tough. What if the person involved lives on their own? How would you know or check that all is well? For us, not an issue, Dad had set up a keysafe outside the house because of the carers and other visitors, plus a video doorbell. Also close family had spare keys to get in. I’ve got an electronic door lock and can share electronic keys with others. What would your solution be?
Powers of Attorney
There are two types in UK law – medical and financial & property. These take a long time to prepare and process. Allow the 10 weeks the government suggests, if you make an error, which we did, it adds to the total time to complete. If possible, complete them online. Note that they cease the moment the individual for whom they were processed dies.
I should also add there is a power of attorney relevant to managing the estate, though that only comes into relevance in the event there is no executor.
The estate
I’m not going to discuss amounts or limits as they change and might vary according to location. Check the UK.GOV site for the details. Work with your own financial advisers on how best to prepare and mitigate both the admin but also the possible distress that this sort of discussion can bring up. Doing this ahead of time provides more comfort and removes more stress than you can imagine. Be prepared with a list of bank accounts, sources of income and anything else that amounts to the total worth.
After death
Confirming death
Only a doctor and selected nurses can do this. We’re all pretty certain Mum died in the morning when a nurse attended and by 11:30am when I’d got to Dad’s to see Mum, I’d say she had been gone a little while. But it wasn’t until 1:06pm that day that the doctor could and did confirm death. And then you have to get them to process the medical certificate of cause of death or MCCD. This has to be processed and sent to the registrar before you’re able to meet with the registrar to obtain the death certificate. In our case the registrar had to chase the medical practice for them to get the documentation in place as you have to register death in a set number of days – read on for more details.
Removing the body
Contact your funeral care provider of choice once a doctor has confirmed death. They’ll take care of the process. They’ll offer a last chance to view the deceased in place, then take them away. Everyone I know has said, go to a quiet room, close the door and wait for them to confirm the process is complete. Your memories of them will be so much the better. I will back up this recommendation based on our experience as well. Making your own noise to cover anything that happens is definitely recommended.
Death certificate
You have to notify the registrar and make an appointment within 5 calendar days (including weekends and bank holidays!) to register the death in the UK (8 days in Scotland). Have ready the birth and marriage certificates, passport, driving licence, and other similar documentation. In our experience these only help to confirm a lot of the key details such as place of birth, whether married and so on.
Notify the banks and everyone else that needs to know
The UK government offer a “tell us once” service, many of the banks work together and provide a similar option and others, individually, provide their own bereavement option. What about mobile phone provider? Sky or other media provider? In Mum’s case we had to consider her printer ink contract with HP. Again, being able to discuss this ahead of time makes it a lot easier, even if only to know where to look for information – such as bank statements. This is also a key stage in determining the estate, it’s value, what tax is due and so on. And don’t expect it to be addressed in days. It’s looking like at least weeks and many folk we’ve spoken to talk about months, even half a year or so.
Property
By property in this instance I’m not talking about the house, money, shares or anything of that nature, I’m talking about the things that person had that were theirs. Books, crochet wool, knitting needles, craft materials, and painting equipment were all just some of what we had to consider and address. There are also clothes and similar accoutrements that might or might not be relevant to anyone else in the house. There are many charities, freecycle, or other options that you can consider. This was by far the area that took the most time for us to resolve and in all honesty, as I write this, is still not complete. The will might help address any areas such as who gets which specific jewellery or similarly precious items that can be a cause of concern. Note that technically the value of these items is part of the overall estate.
The funeral
This is not low down on the list as lacking in importance, but it is one of the areas where the experts are brilliant at this, and will remove a lot of the worry and concern over what you need to do. The will makes it easier if there are special considerations, but otherwise be sensitive to how others in the deceased’s circle of family, friends and acquaintances will consider what plans are taken. Take comfort that the funeral organisations know what they’re doing and their reputations are vital. We’ve not had the funeral yet, 14th December is still a week away. We’ve worked out the three key pieces of music for entrance, private contemplation or reflection, and exit. We’ve got some photos we all know we like and that Mum liked too, not just of Mum either. We’ve laid out the story of Mum and got a poem Dad will read. We’ve now submitted the provisional order of service and await the proofs.
General thoughts
What Mum’s passing did most of all was highlight just how much we didn’t know, especially for the order of service, about Mum. Her choices of music (we sort of knew but couldn’t tell you exactly which track was her top choice) or her poetry likes (though we found something from when she practiced her calligraphy). We knew her as the day to day person we all know in our lives, but it’s really the extraordinary that matters. The things that make someone unique. The things others will take away as the key memories of your beloved family member.
Could you replay that life of that key person in writing to help others know who they were and that would resonate with the audience attending the service?
Amongst Mum’s items we found so many diaries, too many to read in the short time ahead. I thought I was a massive photographer, but Mum must have equalled my haul of photos – and most of them are the old fashioned “real” prints. Some of those we found were of past members of her and my Dad’s family that we now have a treasure trove the like of which we knew nothing prior to 19th November 2020.
Dad started to write some stories of his time in Scotland before he moved down to England to start a career as a police officer. I’m encouraging that partly because I think he could weave them (with assistance) into a book that some might find of historical and personal interest, but also because I want to know more about my Dad, in preparation for that horrid occasion that comes to us all.
It’s strange, I’ve always been proud of my Dad, so many great stories about him I already know, have shared, and enjoyed myself.
I learned a lot about my Mum, only after she’d gone and I would hate anyone else only to find out the real stories about their loved one after they go. Instead we should have and take the time to tell them now how proud and loving we are (as well as that horrid aspect of administration preparation).
Go learn, share and enjoy their important and valuable stories.
And if they live another 10, 20, 30 or 40 years, you’ve got so many more stories to choose from.
